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The Meaning of Feeling Good

by C Alexander

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1.
My eyes have seen the glory of the coming of a war With battle flags and banners waving out of every door A grand parade A ceremony still The eyes of children grateful for their fill The army's on a hillside with their tanks and boning knives The daggers warped and ancient, ammunition: new and live A flag unfurls A sanguinary star A fist of smoke thick with the stench of tar Take it down, wrap it up, bag it up, do what you have to do Heads are piked along a nameless castle's rotting door The hymnals of the innocent lie moldering before An oil like shroud A reddish milky haze Behind the eyes of every living face My eyes have seen the bloody slush of fingers in the snow My eyes have seen the children lining cemetery row My eyes have seen enough It's time to let them go If someone can do better, I don't know If you're a warrior, clap your hands You'll have your fill of fallow lands If you're millennial, wait your turn You'll get to see your cities burn If there is love why is there always such a darkness in the way? If there is love, why is the sum of life still predator and pray?
2.
Dead Ringers 06:21
Open the door, come in the room, come in disguise You have a quick and devious look in your eyes Was it something I said? Something you wore? Something you wanted? Something more? Well give it a name, give it a voice, give it a ride Undo the clasp around your neck, kill the alarm You've got a secret underneath, you came in armed Was it something I said? Something you wore? Something you wanted? Something more? Well let there be blood, let there be skin, let there be harm Come in the bed, leave on your clothes, wait for the dark You've got a look, you've got a move, you've got a mark Was it something I said? Something you wore? Something you wanted? Something more? Well let there be fire, let there be smoke, let there be sparks Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? Then we wouldn't have to smile at all. Did your heart go boom when you crossed that room? Or was the fuse lit when you entered the hall? Oh mommy's all right, and daddy's just fine They're both just a little eager to leave it behind Put on your clothes, turn on the light, holster the gun You've got a think, you start to say, you've got to run Was it something I said? Something you wore? Something you wanted? Something more? Well let yourself, leave me alone, let it be done The deed follows you through the door
3.
You know you need somebody else's feeling just to have one of your own You know you need a room full of new people who have never heard your jokes You wake up in a soaking bed again, the blood in halos 'round your head And stay up with no place to go, all day with no place to go (And doesn't that embarrass you? It should.) What's another word for something that you can't ignore anymore? You stare at shining screens so much, you'd think by now you might have seen the light You have ideas, but not a plan except to run from everyone you know You lay down with a heavy head, it's full of shit from every book you've read And stay down with no place to go, all night with no place to go Spiders in the bath Not too wet to lay their tracks Lick their chops and then attack And once they're full, they never come back
4.
For You 06:47
Would you like to spend the night at home? I can always spend the night at home with you Or would you like to spend the night alone? Would you like to have the night at home for you? Would you like to spend the day in bed? I can always spend the day in bed with you Or would you like it to yourself instead? Would you like to have the day in bed for you? Go and take a drive through the middle of town Takes a minute to walk, takes an hour to park Take a spill on the ground Go and find a doctor who takes all your cars Took an hour to wait, takes a minute to see Put your weight on my arm Would you like to have another name? Should we try to find some other name for you? Or would you like to keep it all the same? I know will I will always feel the same for you
5.
Who I Am 04:37
There's another thing that I never got to tell you It's about my former life But the bill is laid in front of you Naming you the ower So I guess by now there's no surprise I fear everyone is, each of us leading someone else in To an early, shallow grave Maybe I'm the everyone that I'm Always disavowing Maybe I'm the thing I hate Do your best, intentional(ly) My friends all like to say we were absent on the day they gave Instructions out for life How to be honest with others and Repay all your debtors And a host of things we didn't like Well the poison's left my system but lately I've been dreaming That I can't get off my phone I don't want to live a life like I'm Red ink come alive I don't want to die alone There's a friendly face in front of the door There's another voice you trust more than yours There is someone else alone at the dance There's a twenty second chance This is who I am There's a crack in the ice with no one around There's a plane in the air, its nose to the ground There's a pistol that has its snub shaven down There's a small and desperate sound
6.
Best Thing 03:48
Come in alone, come right along You're the best thing I've ever had Walk in the park, or wait til it's dark You're the best thing I've ever had Look you right in the eye Poke your tongue out and I Think it's all just the best Stick a pin in my chest Never see you in jeans, don't know what that means You're the best thing I've ever had Nobody sticks around when you walk in They look at you and they get to talking But nobody makes a sound anymore Sleep until eight, the cat was up late You're the best thing I've ever had Poke out your tongue, "puncha your buns" You're the best thing I've ever had When the world will collapse And there's no turning back We did all that we could I'll at least be with someone good One two three Na na na
7.
I remember sitting In a car no bigger than my bed The shoulder belt lay flat behind my head And a scent that I would come to love As something like fermented pine Was thick across my father's easy smile I have always tried to trace the scars to him But the more I look, there's only country teeth and skin Please protect me from myself Can you help me or turn me into someone else? I will always be the one to hurt myself I will always be the one to hurt you. "Blame yourself." I remember driving In a car no bigger than my bed The windshield turning purple, blue and red And I thought I felt the presence Of a power loving and divine I thought I heard it tell me to keep driving You can circle around the world in search of truth You can run forever when you know it's not in you I remember hearing the beginning chords of "A Hard Day's Night" It sounded like a blueprint for a life
8.
In school I thought the worst would be the ruler-happy nuns Now I know it's just the promise of a wise, impartial judge What if we had killed the kid as Solomon suggested? What if I kept on pretending, and never was suspected? And thank you for the detailed map where "X" marks every wound Just one more unwanted gift to pile into my mother's room Have you ever tried to love someone who can see themselves in 20,000 faces? Have you ever tried to love someone who can shatter glass from several hundred paces? Did you want to die in my arms every night, like you heard in that insipid song? I was dying every night looking at you sleep knowing everything you dreamed was wrong And I'm sorry, but no one can be this sorry. But once all of the rage and bitterness had burned away You stood in front of millions and you found you'd nothing left to say But time and money should have healed - who am I to you anymore? But here you come again, still looking sheepish, darkening my door And thank you for the phone call warning me you would be here If only I could leave you twice. If only you would disappear. Have you ever tried to love someone who can go for years and never say a word? Have you ever tried to love someone who can live this way and still expect the world? Did you want your hand in my hand every night so the world could see that I was yours? I had my life on my hands; what we had was nice, but I wanted less and you did more. And I'm sorry, but no one can be this sorry. So what is it you want today? Don't you have sins of your own? Don't you know you cannot draw another drop of blood When you've cut right to the bone? Yes, it's true that I have sinned. Guilty on all counts. But you've already had your pound of flesh: You won't get another ounce.
9.
Oh Lord Jesus, do you think I've done my time The eight legs of the devil now are crawling up and down my spine
10.
THREE CHORD LOSER (or, A Genius Meets His Public) Once I get this figured out You all will be amazed Until I do, yr stuck in here with me Well, no one's really stuck here There's an open door For someone to walk in and love my chords I saw my girlfriend's band the other night, They're so unprofessional One day I'll get my chance You all will weep through all my confessionals Songs can rhyme with singalongs Songs can rhyme with long All the ones I do seem to rhyme wrong But once I get the phrasing You'll all stand and applaud Well, no one's really here, and that's too bad I heard some Royal Headache just before, They're so unoriginal. Is it so wrong to do it just like them? Is that so despicable? I came up with these chords to kill some time They're so unexceptional But if I play them right I'll have you think they're all three intentional Anyone can do it, So why the hell can't I? I think I'll get the answer when I die.

about

Love songs in the time of the apocalypse – a valentine to nineties angst rock, psychological horror movies, and my girlfriend
Written and recorded between April 2014 and November 2017 in Chicago, Illinois
(With assists from a riff written in Shrewsbury Twp, NJ in January 2011 and a chorus from the same bedroom in January 1997)
Except Jim's part in Lincroft, NJ and Josh's parts in Colts Neck, NJ Sept 2017

credits

released November 15, 2017

“Let My People Go” Traditional after the arrangement and lyrics of Diamanda Galas. All rights reserved.
The bass player on “Blame Yourself,” “I’m Sorry, but No One Can Be This Sorry,” and “Let My People Go” is Jim Chorman, whose Yamaha is featured on all other tracks besides “You’re the Best Thing.”
The trombone and saxophone player on “You’re the Best Thing” is Josh Morman.
The background vocalist on “Who I Am” and “You’re the Best Thing” is Hannah Chavez, whose Squire is played on the latter song.
All three musicians provided invaluable insight and feedback throughout the process of this record. Many thanks to them as well as Bryan Gleason, Claire Hoppendock, Graham McEvily and Chris Rott
Funding made possible by The Veronica and Thomas Alexander Fund for the Failson Performing Arts
All of it for Liz, none of it for Glenora

This is a homemade digital recording. A splendid time is guaranteed for somebody.

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all rights reserved

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